I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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