So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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