WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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