Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
