You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So much Jack, so little girl.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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