youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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