Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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