The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
