I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
