worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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