Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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