wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
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