I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
