I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
