gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
