It was confusing and full of hummus
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
