I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
