Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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