the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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