Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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