he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
