We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
