Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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