my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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