he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
