Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
