I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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