you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
