Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
can u get pink eye on your cock?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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