On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.