You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
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I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.