I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
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Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
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He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's