My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
