Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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