Need sex. Gaining weight.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
