I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
