Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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