She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
