I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
40s are totally the cure
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
