I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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