I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
