Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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