Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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