He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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