you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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