So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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