In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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