How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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