if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
