I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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