Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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