I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
