I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
