there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
