god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
They are going to name an STD after you.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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