my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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