People in love make me want to vomit
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
