and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
