I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
